Breathe in, breathe out. That’s what I told myself as I entered this week.
Woo! Here we go. I have some big news to share: I am going to hike the Colorado trail. Over 4-6 weeks, I will put just under 500 miles under my feet as I make my way from Denver to Durango.
The red line marks the trail :)
In March, I left my home in Bangkok due to the pandemic. Hoping I could return in a semi-reasonable time-frame, I decided to keep my apartment and didn’t make any permanent arrangements to leave permanently. It was heartbreaking having to leave a community I loved in such an abrupt way. I had four days between when I decided to book my flight and when I took off for the United States. I thought it would be a temporary trip to sort things out. I would continue working remotely for JUMP! Foundation (in a role I LOVE!) until things got better. Originally I thought: this will just be a couple of months then I can return to Thailand and everything will be normal, right? Well, things aren’t quite the “normal” I expected.
I bet a few of you have experienced similar moments of wishful thinking over the past few months.
2020 was going to be a special year! In February, I decided with two of my dear friends (who also share February as a birthday month) that 2020 would be our BIRTHDAY YEAR. We were going to make every moment full of excitement and adventure and laughter and all of the good things. We had such big plans! I can only laugh about it now, sincerely. Thinking about 2020 being a “birthday year” is a funny thing. Little did we know a surprise party is what was in store for us.
My birthday buds.
In April, I was going to spend time hiking in Nepal with one of my birthday year buds, Nick Rio. We were going to have an epic trekking journey around the Annapurna region and meet up with our mountain guide friends when we explored Kathmandu. A few days before we both returned to the U.S., those plans started to look a little grim. We’re still waiting on a flight reimbursement...if it ever comes I think we may just have to consider it a gift!
I had so many other plans for traveling around Southeast Asia, going to yoga retreats, heading out on climbing trips, and possibly getting scuba certified...all of those plans quickly blew away.
One small heartbreak after another.
Well, it’s been nearly 5 months of being in the U.S. now and I am still in the great state of Oklahoma living in my parents’ house. (I mean it, it is a great state and my parents are wonderful people) Though it’s not been the year I planned for, there are many moments I wouldn’t trade for the world.
I got to share more family dinners than I have been able to since high school. I’ve reconnected with my love for cycling and found an amazing community with biking groups here in Oklahoma City. I have enjoyed being in a more similar time zone to some of my favorite people for long calls and virtual workouts. I’ve learned a heck of a lot about social media marketing, the Black Lives Matter movement, advocacy, patience, and love. I started a podcast with one of my best friends from college (it’s called twentysomething). I have gotten to see and spend time with all of my grandparents. I have enjoyed good food, good company, and solace in this uncertainty. For all of those moments, I am grateful.
With so many beautiful moments, there have also been painful ones. A month ago, I made one of the most difficult decisions of my 25 years. I decided that even though I love my role at JUMP! and believe wholeheartedly in the organization and team, something had to change. Getting back to Bangkok would be difficult due to COVID-19 related complexities and I couldn’t remain on my Bangkok-based salary in the U.S. There was and is so much outside of my control--of everyone’s control. With great difficulty, I decided to submit my resignation.
How strange it is to put an end to something that is so good. Have you ever had to say a premature goodbye to something you love?
Though I am sad and heartbroken about the decision, I know it was right. It made the most sense for me, given the circumstances.
Friday will be my last day in my current position. Wrapping up my projects this week feels odd and surreal. The JUMP! Foundation team has offered me experiences and friendships that will be lifelong. I have learned so much in the past year and I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot of people who I owe my deepest gratitude.
Thankfully, I have some time to reflect on this big transition. When I decided I would resign, not knowing what would be next for me, I wanted to find something to be excited about. I couldn’t bear to think back on 2020 in the future and realize I’d spent the majority of my time behind a computer screen for 70+ hours a week. It’s just not my definition of a decent life.
I know I love being outside, I love a good challenge, and I honestly like doing extraordinary things. In 2017, I hiked a little under a 300-mile section of the Pacific Crest Trail with my friend Jordie Douglas before we both entered grad school. It was a powerful experience and a great way to process a significant period of transition in each of our lives.
After a bit of thoughtful research, I decided the Colorado Trail was calling my name. Just under 500 miles, it’s attainable in 4-6 weeks and the best time of year for the hike is August-September--I mean...can you get any more perfect?? Ahh, my heart beats faster and I can’t help but grin each time I think of being out on the trail!
Smiling with my pack!
On Saturday, August 15, 2020, I will begin my hike. I hope to finish sometime mid-September, but I am giving myself permission now to see how my body feels and shorten or extend the trip as needed. I am certain I’ll learn things along the way. I look forward to meeting people with their own fascinating stories and experiences to share. I am also excited for this time to be with myself, live with my thoughts, and redefine what I am searching for in this beautiful crazy life.
I hope you do something that makes you smile this week and every week. I encourage you to make the tough decisions, even when they scare you...doing so will make space for the ones that bring you an irresistible joy for the path you’re on.
Don’t wait for the world to be pandemic-free in order to live the life you want. You still have choices. As one of my favorite and most brilliant mentors Albert Camus said, “The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
photo cred: arshiasamandiphotography — Check her out on instagram!
Here’s to living out your freedom and rebelling in the most powerful and loving way possible.